It’s officially fall 2022, but on the runways in Milan, it’s already Spring 2023! The third fashion week of the “Big 4" is well underway and, while no less outrageous or over-the-top than other fashion weeks, Milan always put the “high” in high fashion. As in, these collections could not be any higher above your budget, and some of the designers were definitely high when conceiving of these fits.
But if New York Fashion Week is all , “OMG we’re NYC,” and London Fashion Week is all , “We’re quirky rebels,” then Milan Fashion Week said, “What if we sent 68 sets of twins down the runway?” Which is what Gucci did. (We would have been more impressed with triplets.)
This year, Milan Fashion Week also said: “Color, more color, brighter color, seriously more fucking color,” “What if goth was neon?,” “Stop wasting inflatable animals,” “DENIM!!!!!!<3333333,” and “Libera il capezzolo!” Personally, I’m really looking forward to celebrating almost all these trends come Spring, especially the latter. Except definitely, definitely not the denim. Scroll on, but scroll with caution, to see what I mean.
Nipples don’t need to just be free; they can also be camp, fun, and cheeky, and are appropriate accessories for both formalwear and businesswear. This is a powerful statement.
You might be asking, “Where would I even wear this?!” Here are some easy ideas: pretending to clean the outside of your private jet; picking up your groomed chinchilla (faux) fur coat; kicking over your mother-in-law’s dining room table because the sterling silver tableware clashes with your boots; serving your friends with a lawsuit because they decided to stay in on Saturday night.
Would love to sew this neon green bodysuit to my skin, turn the weird little tulle skirt into a cape , rip the bows from the shoes and pin them to my eyebrows, and just fucking chill like that for the rest of my life. 100 out of 10.
Me, whenever I have four digits in my bank account and enough reward points for a free Chipotle burrito.
Warn the world that you’re entering your White Swan era in this chill but foreboding all-white dress with a beautifully-feathered cape and your very own ungroomed Shih Tzu. Enter your Black Swan era whenever you’re ready. Or when whatever climate you live in decides that you’re ready.
A yellow-and-black (forest green??) tie-dyed/paint splattered matching jacket, visor, and peplum skirt designed by an Italian luxury sports car manufacturer? Where do I sell my kidney?!
This spring we’re wearing knee-high boots! We’re wearing metallics! We’re wearing “Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” jackets! We are NOT wearing pants.
You can use all the long-ass, high-fashion, sleeve gloves you want, but you can’t disguise these hiphugger flare jeans with this Britney Spears’ “I’m a Slave 4 U”-esque bra as anything other than what it is: an early-2000's monstrosity that millennial women have been begging the world to quit trying to revive. We’ve all been through enough.
Wow. Black boy shorts with a black bandeau and some random black strings. How inspiring. How innovative. How so incredibly boring, my Kindergarten teacher could have designed something better. Trussardi: 0-2.
In 2019, Karlie Kloss posted a photo of herself at the Met Gala on Instagram with the caption, “Gold Rush.” In 2020, Taylor Swift released a song called “Gold Rush” about refusing to fall in love with someone because it would crush your bones. Then in 2022, Kloss released a new perfume with Carolina Herrarra called “Good Girl Midnight,” and the campaign was DRIPPING in gold. Coincidence? No. Chinese designer Hui Zhou Zhao is clearly a Swiftie and, more importantly, a Gaylor.
If you don’t have anything nice to say...cover your face with a yellow, knitted, mesh face mask and text/e-mail/write down your insults and slights to people, instead.
The devil wears Prada? Sorry, but she would not be caught alive in something this boring. Hard pass. (Am into the eyelashes, though.)
Pinning this to my “What I’ll Wear When I’m Filthy Rich and 70 Mood Board.” It’s going to be all satin, feather capes, sequined caftans, rich purples, and giant stone, statement necklaces. Basically, everything Frankie Bergstein wears.
This is all of my wildest Lisa Frank dreams come true. Just when you think the world is doomed and people are shit, you see someone turn inflatable rainbow dolphins into arm warmers and...it makes you believe in humanity again.
Placing a pineapple in your home is a symbol of hospitality. (Placing one upside down is a symbol that you and your partner are open to swinging!) Grapes can signify fertility and good luck. So, I guess with this outfit you’ll be saying, “Come over and get me pregnant ;).” Sneaky!
Versace gave us Emily Ratajkowski and Bella Hadid. It gave us biker girl, goth bride, neon bride, vampiress. It gave us dozens of ways to easily look like we’re wearing Versace without actually buying Versace.
The veil feels on theme, but the dress really just looks like Paris Hilton called up Donatella Versace and was like, “Can I come walk?” But that’s hot! Happy for Paris. Happy for Versace. (Also, damn Paris, give us the gym routine.)
Thelma and Louise. Romy and Michelle. Charli and Dixie. (It’s a joke. Please calm down.) Name a more iconic duo? More like SHOW me a more iconic duo. Because in this getup, you and your partner-in-crime will be leaving everybody speechless!
Ok, this spring, we’re wearing our bodysuit vagina flaps outside of our clothes. Those who don’t will be mocked. And those who refuse to even try will be banned from brunch.
Oh no. Diesel, who hurt you?
When Lizzo walked the American Music Awards red carpet with her tiny Valentino purse in 2019 , you probably thought, “Ok, that can’t be topped. Tiny purses are done now. Thank you.” But where the rest of us saw an end, Fendi saw a chance at a whole new beginning: tiny purse necklaces.
Meanwhile, Vivetta said, “I’ll take your tiny purse and make it bigger than your body.” Perfect for when you need to be Mary Poppins, but you’re a boring ass human who can’t do anything exciting or magical.
The dress is fine. Very Eve emerging victorious from the garden after she kicked Adam in the face. But what I’m most excited about is the runway. Will walking through soft clouds of smoke be the hottest accessory this spring? (No climate change joke intended.) But seriously, are there such things as personal smoke machines? I want to strut into spring looking like I’ve risen from the ashes of winter’s bone.
The nipple is free and thriving. The colors, the options, the styles, the infinite ways to be free! The only thing stopping us from walking tits first into May is about four to five months of soul-crushing winter temperatures that require about 30 layers of clothing to stave off hypothermia. Stay strong.
A faultless look for you and your bestie, guaranteed to delight your fans, confuse your enemies, and get Mother Nature herself to say, “Mom?”